Stories From The Other Side

I would hate for this to become little more than a dumpster for my humorous (to me) medical stories, but sometimes seeing an industry from the other side can be quite revealing. Additionally, with my horrible memory for memories themselves, I have to write things down. So that means either handwriting or typing... and for those who have seen my penmanship, you understand there was no decision needing to be made.

I had an elderly gentleman for a patient recently that presented to our ER for syncope (passing out due to decreased blood flow to the brain). Syncope is a rather broad work-up - encompassing neurologic, cardiac, vascular, psychiatric, and metabolic systems as possible etiologies. That, however, is not the point of the story. My patient was 'slightly' demented, by which I mean he didn't really know what was going on around him, but was really nice. Before I met the patient, I was reading through his chart prepping to write my H&P and I came across the ER resident's patient encounter note. Hoping to glean important information from their history and physical (if you know ER docs thats pretty funny) I furiously read through the scribbles. Under the 'HEENT' (Head, Eyes, Ears, Nose, Throat) exam was written, "wobbly jaw." Curious... never heard of that before. So I go and see the patient, finding him hiding under his covers. I call out, "Mr. _____," I'm Dr. Mandichak, one of the residents that will be taking care of you. He promptly answers me - from beneath his covers. The funny part of the story, the guys actually has a wobbly jaw. For whatever reason (probably partly age and dementia) he constantly moves his jaw like he is chewing something, despite the fact he has neither teeth nor food in his mouth. He was henceforth referred to as "Wobby Jaw" on rounds. My hope is to get him and Salty Beans together so the three of us can hang out.

Most recently, I was caring for another elderly patient (why did I do Internal Medicine again?) who had heart failure. She wasn't a particularly nice lady, refusing to speak to me on many many occasions. After she had been in the hospital for about a week getting diuresed - aka peeing a lot - and had a cardiac cath, to assess the ability of her heart to pump, she decided she wanted to go home that minute (essentially a day before we were going to discharge her anyway). After explaining that she was guaranteed to be back in the hospital within a week if she left at that time due to her medical condition, she still refused to stay. Long story short, I did all the paperwork and her ride arrived that evening. As she being wheeled out of her room by transport, she tells the nurse she has cherries and strawberries in the floor refrigerator. Below is the following conversation:
Nurse: Here you are Ms. ______
Patient: Thats just my cherries, where are my strawberries?
Nurse: I didn't see any strawberries in the refrigerator. Are you sure you had some?
Patient: Of course I had some. I brought cherries and strawberries with me.
----Not in earshot of the above conversation and sitting down at a nearby computer, I interject---
Me: Ms. ____, you all ready to go?
Patient: No I'm not ready to go. Somebody stole my strawberries! I want my strawberries!
Me: Hmm, I don't know what happened to them.
Patient: Whose going to pay for my strawberries?! I paid $8 for them!
Nurse: I'm sorry I can't find them them. You may call the hospital comment number to report any concerns you have.
Me: Take care Ms. _____, have a good day.
Patient: I ain't takin care nothin.... you stole my strawberries! I'm gonna get my strawberries!


Ahhhhh hilarity ensues......


My second call turned out to be more dramatic than my first. A patient of mine admitted for Peri-Partum Heart Failure was to be discharged the next day. Well don't you know, that night she had a tonic-clonic seizure. I of course was in the cafeteria at the time finally getting food around 11pm. It was my first experience running through the hospital to a crashing patient as a doc. The only other time I did that, I was still a student and things were flying out of my pockets as I was running. My pager fell off and literally slid 20ft down the hall.... quite embarrassing.