Change is Good?

I have recently found myself enamored with books - reading them, browsing them, and just touching them. I wasn't always like this. Much to the contrary, my mother was at her wits end trying to get me to read when I was younger. I remember this went all the way through high school, with my mom finally giving up on me. I hated reading, I mean what was the point? Back then, I couldn't understand why anyone would read; T.V. provided much more entertainment and, well, best of all you didn't have to READ IT! The worst part was summer vacation. How can you call it vacation when you have to read 5 books in 3 months?! But now, I walk into any bookstore and buy at least one book regardless of whether I need it or not.

I'm sure your reading this, pointing out the fact that a lot of kids hate to read... hold on, I'm getting to the point. So in high school and college what was I obsessed with? Clothes (thus my outward appearance to the world). It sounds really stupid, but man I loved clothes and I spent all my money on them. So in order to be financially responsible I did what any respectable high school student does... I got a job in retail. First it was The Gap. I worked there for over a year, simply for the discounts. Then I moved up the retail ladder and worked a few years at J.Crew. Man it was awesome, I was getting clothes for real cheap. I graduated college, moved on to medical school and left my retail days behind me. Again your wondering, SO WHAT!

It wasn't until after I left retail that I realized how pathetic I was being. The only reason I worked in those stores was to accumulate more stuff - specifically clothes - which I thought by owning would make me more and more admired. It's amazing how immature I can be when I pause to analyze my actions. So what about now? Honestly, I could give a crap about clothes. I haven't bought myself a single article of clothing in over 3 years. That might seem a little extreme, but when one has over 40 button down shirts, its really not. Can I thus say I am cured? Have I finally hurdled over my immature and self-indulging insecurities?

Back to the books. Over the the holidays, during a time of reflecting, I realized that I have not so much 'matured' as I have replaced one stumbling block for another. Namely, books for clothes. While in college, I yearned to be accepted by the 'cool' kids and much to my detriment was indeed accepted. This acceptance was based heavily on superficiality. Indeed, at many "institutes of higher learning," physical appearances are heavily relied upon - essentially mirroring society at large. In medical school, however, a different attribute is praised, that being one's intellect. Thus - and you can see where I'm going with this - books are held at a higher value. Have I not then simply conformed my insecurities to the environment in which I am placed? To a degree I would say yes. For a long time, an area of weakness for myself has been the pathologic emphasis I place on the external. I doubt I am the only one to flounder in this way. God has transformed my life with His grace and without this continual and renewing grace I would truly be doomed.

Do I write all this to say clothes or books are bad?! Of course not! Books are great! And clothes are... well... good too. Nonetheless, it is quite revealing to analyze why I (we) do and emphasize certain things. For it is these exact things that reflect what is important in our lives. Thats enough for now, I need to finish this next chapter.... ;)